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I’m on a flight to Louisiana. A place I’ve never been. Based on the movie “Beasts of the Southern Wild” it’s a place I never need to go. Except for work.

I’m currently sandwiched in between two ginormous dudes in the middle seat. One of them is too large for the seat so he can’t have the armrest down. I gave the same dude a polite warning that I would need to get up at least once. He replied it would be 5 dollars each time. To which I replied it was 10 bucks just to sit next to me. I’m glad he thought it was funny. It could have been ugly otherwise.

There is a troll in front of me who feels it is her right to recline her seat AAALLLLL the way back. I don’t think she’s taken into consideration what’s happening to the person behind her. In fact I’m sure she hasn’t. I’ve made sure to put my knees into the back of her seat and jostle her really well the one time I got up to pee.

The little darling two rows back has finally gone to sleep. This means a merciful end to the shrill, armor piercing shrieks that little terror was emitting just 20 minutes ago like some sort of demented live action toy. I expect they will resume during approach. Followed up by quick, nearly useless shushing in Russian.

This flight is nearly 4 hours long. I’ve never wanted drugs and alcohol so much in my life. I’m just afraid I’ll fall asleep with a leg tucked oddly and I will be lose circulation in my leg like some drunk passed out rockstar and have a stroke (Eddie Money anyone).

I may have to get up and pee again just to have a chance to jostle the troll one more time. This soothes me in ways that brief peeks at SkyMall and the crappy free wifi offerings do not. I’m not much of a shopper and I don’t read People magazine so you can imagine.

That’s why I’m penning this love letter to the unfriendly sky’s.

FYI? I bought the extra legroom on the return flight.