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It never ceases to amaze me how this

Pane Siciliano

Comes from this

Which comes from flour, salt, yeast and time. YUMMY

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I’ve been up to no good in the kitchen. So I’m posting about that with pictures Struan Bread

Husband Mocking Granola

Banana Bread

The banana bread was unintentionally eggless. You can see that it didn’t stop anyone from eating it. That little stump is all that is left.

These are my Serendipty Socks in Dragon Dance. They are almost done.

Serendipty Socks

My kids use the WTF abbreviation all the time and I think it fits here. What is a girl supposed to do when she’s facing un-employment, her butt has dropped so low it’s resting on the back of her thighs from lack of exercise and her darling man is having a small altercation with the IRS?

The answer to that question should be depression, loads of chocolate, butter and salty foods. Lounging on the couch watching bad TV? Check. Hiding from the rest of the world in dirty sweats and unwashed hair? Check. Not shaving my legs or using beauty products in general? Check and Check.

Except I’m not doing that. I’m happy, productive and serene. I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth either. I’m going to ride this trend for as long as it holds. I don’t know if it’s the yoga, some fluke of brain chemistry or the fact that I’m finally – to paraphrase Cedric the Entertainer – a GROWN ASS WOMAN

I don’t care. I’ll take it. 6 months from now I may be hunkered down in front of Jerry Springer reruns in dirty underwear, rocking back and forth clutching unpaid bills, repeating Rosebud under my breath like a mantra.

But something inside my rib cage is fluttering and it’s not my heart. It’s lighter and wants to lift me up. It wants me to say, it’s taken care of. The job is out there. Waiting patiently for the time to reveal itself. The world will revolve, the sun will come up, the seasons will turn. The end is sooo not nigh. As my friend Renee in Kona used to ask me. How is your today? Today, my friends, rocks

These times are scary as all get out. I get that. It’s painful, but I do not have to be a pain. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is not. I have two wonderful children, the love of a good man and skills.

The rest, all of it, is not in my hands.

I’m OK. Really I am. I’ll keep telling myself. And for the most part I am. Today was very,very sobering. I went to a job fair.

It was mostly older white men with a look of quiet desperation on their faces. The line for SolarWorld was so long I didn’t wait, it made no sense.

I didn’t make any great connections. I left a resume or two, and I felt so utterly sad that I still don’t have words for it.

I still have many weeks to make something happen, but my compatriots, I don’t know what options they have. And I am one of them except for the fact that I am still employed for a few more weeks.

I’ve had a lot of news lately. I’m leaving it at that, news. It implies no good or bad thing, just new things. Things that need dealing with. With equanimity.

That’s my new word. Equanimity. Composure, Sangfroid. My underwear bunches up, I pull it down. Evenness of mind under stress. The controlling of emotional or mental agitation by an effort of will or as a matter of habit.

And then there is this: A gift of such blinding generosity that it can only be accepted with the humblest of responses. True, unpolished gratitude.

And then I pogo around the room like Tigger on Meth.

Why?

I’M GOING TO SOCK CAMP!!!!!

Some of you might have seen this coming. My Marc, the Wonder Sweetie is a very generous person. I have been a party to his generosity in it’s many forms over the last five years. Marc loves a good time and he loves to share it with people. Especially the people he loves

HE IS SENDING ME OFF TO SOCK CAMP!!!!

I did not see this coming. No. Really. I did not. So I raced to contact anyone I knew that might know if sock camp was still open for registration. I called Just Jen, I called Blue Moon. I blogged on the Blue Moon site.

The next morning I was in touch with Blue Moon. They still had a few spots. JoAnn had saved one for me when she picked up my call that morning. I cried with happiness. I pogo-ed like Tigger on meth.

And then I looked at the resort website and called to book my room. I put my name in for a roomie. I heaved a deleriously happy sigh of relief. I am going to sock camp. I uncancelled my vacation at work.

The excitement is building already. Kayaking, KNITTING, yoga, KNITTING, yarn, KNTTING!! Yarn Harlot, KNITTING, Tina teaching us how to dye, KNITTING. And I don’t have or cook or clean. How will I wait until March. Somebody pinch me.

I’m going to camp! Bouncy Bouncy Bouncy Bouncy Bounce

Bouncing is what Tiggers DO

Bouncing is what Tiggers DO

Job searches are not for the faint of heart. To that end I am placing myself out there. Really, really out there. Facebook, Linkedin, lunches with old employers, bald faced grabs for work in an attempt to hang in at my current employers.

OMG. I draw the line at larceny and character assassination. Who knows where this will end. But I meant what I said. I will try as hard as I possibly can NOT to be unemployed for even a day.

If that is how it falls at the end, I’ll try to take it like a woman. Bon bons, sad movies and wallowing.

Then I will simply have to pick myself up and go on.

Sometime in the recent weeks, it’s all been a blur, the corporation which bought our little company decided to close our office.

Most everyone received a two year contract. Some did not. I’ll let you figure out which category I am in.

This means I find myself in the unenviable position of looking for a job in “THIS” economy. It’s how I will find what I am made of. AGAIN.

It could be much worse. I am solvent, have savings and little debt. I have family that I can rely on if it gets really ugly. But my ex-husband will likely stop sending money soon. He is unemployed as well.

I’m not sure how this will play out. I know that sock camp is off the table which breaks my heart. I had saved for it and wished to go. It seems irresponsible now. I have a daughter entering college and she needs my help. I have food to put on the table and bills to keep current. I have a partner I don’t want to knock over because I lean on them.

I want to tell God, if he or she is listening, that I’ve had plenty of character building moments in my life. I didn’t really need another one. I do put others first. Would it have killed him/her to let me go to sock camp?

But this isn’t really a rant. It’s a wake up call. The day they told us I was talking suicide. In a week I had moved my office home and set up a home office of sorts. I’ve begun the process of looking for another job while lobbying to keep the one I have. I’m considering moving for work. Everything is on the table.

It’s not my nature to see this as good. It’s a struggle to remind myself that yoga has taught me that it’s only stuff. Not inherently good or bad, just more stuff; and if I can keep from choosing sides on the latest news I may well see myself clear to a better place.

Not all catastrophes are the final step.

One last word about my blessings. After some very emotional discussions my sweetheart and I move forward as a team. He had the option of leaving, I gave him the option of leaving but we’ve come to a fork in the road and we chose to walk down the same path together. It’s a good thing. He’s a good man. Life is hard. EAT DESSERT FIRST!

Here’s a quick run down of the events

I love my new tooth. I eat apples again without cutting them up

I am working from home for the next 4 months as my employer abruptly closed the office. More on that later

Run do not walk to pick up a copy of the movie “Things We Lost in The Fire”, from your local video store (or Netflix). Benecio del Toro is riveting. You will not sit comfortably through this movie. It is masterful and a revelation. More on that later too.

Oldest of my progeny has been accepted to a college in New York. Let the fun and games begin.

I hope the writer’s block that struck me over the last 2 weeks will free up and I will have something to say other than Gahhh! Uhhh! soon.

I’m terrified by the way. And I am putting one foot in front of the other