I have a book I keep that is filled with pictures of things I love. I’ve cut them out of catalogues and magazines over the years. I have written out poems and sayings and pasted in full passages from articles.

It says a lot about me. What it doesn’t say about me today is that I am a rabid bitch on wheels. This pre-mentrual whining is brought to you by the hormones Estrogen and Progesterone.

I took down the book after 4 years yesterday. I can’t believe I missed 4 years of writing down what I hoped to accomplish in the coming year. The last entry was January 2004. It hasn’t stopped me from accomplishing many good things. I just feel sad that the continuity isn’t there.

I wrote many of the same things, but I think there is something different afoot. I want to point the focus onto restarting my creativity. I want to be creative again. I used to think nothing of making up my own dances (who cares if they were any good). I painted and carved and made jewelry. I know I can do this if I can only rouse myself from this long sleep I’ve been in. It’s frustrating to be at work when I want to be knitting or spinning or cooking.

When I first entered the work world I felt like it was wonderful I could do this thing and take care of myself. I’ve worked mostly at jobs that paid the bills, not jobs I necessarily enjoyed. I’ve got some leadership qualities, but I doubt myself on a regular basis and the things I say to myself still tend toward “I’m an idiot”, rather than “I’m human and make mistakes”.

This creativity comes with a price. It takes time away from my duties as a mother. I can just lose myself in the project and time disappears. It makes me afraid because I’ll do this to the exclusion of friendships and healthy down time. The ever present need to strike a balance.

So for my year in review – the things I think I’ve accomplished.

1. Trip to Italy taken. Finally after 5 years I was able to make it happen.

2. Got back to Belly Dancing (we won’t talk about the not being back to Belly Dancing now part.

3. Stayed in a healthy relationship and kept it healthy by talking about what was really going on in my head and heart.

4. Delved back into the world of knitting again and really let myself sink into that lovely fiber haze. Went moony eyed and warm all over when I drove by sheep for Chrissakes. Dreamed of projects. Started some projects. Didn’t start others.

5. Finally ripped and re-knitted myself a pair of socks. The first pattern was unlovely and resembled a knitted golf club cover. The final result was not only comfortable and warm, but it resembled a sock – and for extra bonus secret decoder ring points – it was toe up.

6. Kept up a new fitness routine which has given me a stronger body that allows me to knit for longer that 5 minutes at a stretch.

Things I added to my 2008 list are – for the most part – the things that have been there all along. To be a better friend, most of my friendships die from benign neglect. To awaken the creativity that I know sleeps inside me. To be an awesome belly dancer. To allow my children to grow with age appropriate parenting (their age, not mine. I reserve the right to act like an idiot at a moment’s notice.)

What’s conspicuously absent is the resolution to get more sleep, eat better and relax more. The oldest driving and no soccer has given me back so much time. I don’t want to waste it.

Advertisements