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True! I am obsessed with the Oriel Lace Blouse. It took me awhile to get rolling. It’s still a little bit of a crunch to get my brain wrapped around some of the chart. For the most part though, I’m good.

Got to work today and “some people” had decorated my cubicle for me. Black streamers, balloons, a card. CAKE even! It was awesome fun to get to be the birthday girl. It makes turning 50 almost painless. Almost!

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Hello, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. Who am I talking to? Myself. No one visits my blog and I love it that way! I’ve been fully in pursuit of the 4 essential practices for a happy life post 50. Do things that scare you, might make you stay up too late, might make you gain weight and, um… and. Yeah, getting old sucks. I found the post. There are only 3 essential practices. Quick make something up!

Any way I’ve done some scary stuff and some fattening stuff and some staying up late stuff and I’m still here. Funny thing! I’m still here, not as tired or fat as I thought I’d be.

Socks are done! I finished them at the North West Strings Summit. Tucked their little threads in at home. Wore them around the house. They are so cool. I may not ever wear them outside the house, but I think they will work for those days when slippers are not feasible (couch knitting days).

I cast on for the Oriel lace blouse swatch. I am not using the same yarn because the pricing was just silly. I found a similar weight alpaca/ silk yarn that was not a ribbon yarn. The swatch knit up beautifully but I am slightly off on the gauge. I did block it and it improved some. But still I think I am OK to begin. I’m going to knit up the front and then block and see how it looks on me. Then I’ll try one sleeve provided it fits properly. The pattern is super easy. Nothing like the lace jacket I knit a few years ago.

Pictures still await I know, but my Sweetie’s shorts needed a button put on and I had this TIME to actually swatch something. Pictures will come soon.

In another (perhaps lame) attempt at stretching myself in honor of my 50th I am going to a weekend long Blue Grass music concert. The Northwest String Summit. Why would I subject myself to this you might ask? Well mostly because my sweetie plays the mandolin. I’m excited to go, but also dreading it. I don’t sit for long periods of time and do nothing very often. It makes me really, really nervous to do that. For one I think of all the things I could be doing – like scrubbing the grout or folding laundry. Well funny thing but I’ve done all that already. The house is clean and will be fine for a few days. I also seem to have a fear of staying up too late. For some people, like my sweetie, that seems to be the whole point of life. Even my kids thinks it’s great to stay up late. I must not have that gene. I think they got it from their Dad.

So I’m going to take some knitting. So I can finish my sock and perhaps cast on for the Oriel Lace Blouse.

I hear it louder and louder now. Seems like I might not have ever gotten here, but I did. It’s almost my 50th. I’m excited and scared. I’m more than half way through my life, I’m pretty sure of that. I am glad I challenged myself to try some new things. It’s made me happy to do that, a little scared and uncomfortable at times, but happy.

Working away on the sock hoping to get to the sweater soon. I want to post pictures, I know I’ve been promising that for a while. Sigh! The thing about doing scary and uncomfortable things is that it leaves so little time for the rest of life. Things like laundry and cleaning up.

So I’m a lot happier than I was at 20, 30 or 40. 50 ish has been good to me. I miss my youthful looks, but 8 weeks of Efudex and several weeks of Tretinoin has worked a certain magic on my face. I look my age but I don’t look old, old, old. That’s a good thing.

My daughter gave me a pillow with the following on the front of it.

I am Woman, I am Strong, I am sooo tired and really that just says it all for me. I don’t know how people do so many extra things. I do everything to try and boost my energy. I work out, I eat right, I try to sleep long enough. I take my vitamins. But still I feel like I can’t keep up with my sweetie or my kids. It’s pathetic. Long before we are done with the day I am fully baked. Stick a fork in me.

Not sure how I am going to get beyond that, or get them to accept that I can’t fold the laundry and clean up the dishes and water all the plants and clean the house in my spare time and still keep up. It’s too exhausting.

Plus I want time to knit. I love to knit. My second sock is almost done. I’m so proud of myself that I have finished the project which I abandoned over a year ago. Maybe there is hope for me yet. Once that sock is done I am off to work on the Oriel Lace Blouse from the Summer 2007 Knits magazine. I’m both scared and excited at the same time. It will be a handful for sure.

I need to post some pictures of work I have done. It’s exciting because I’ve finished a few simple projects this year. Way to go woman!

I used to be certifiable. Really. CWAAAAAZEE. Obsessive Compulsive, bulemic, anorexic. Name it. I was it. After 10’s of thousands of dollars in therapy I sometimes approximate sanity quite closely. I cultivate an air of serenity like some folks grow tomatoes in less than optimal conditions. Some who knew me way back when are thrilled with my progress. Some who know me know, but not then aren’t sure they see anything really wrong with me. They just haven’t poked far enough into the muck, and frankly they don’t need to. Polite conversation is enough.

I hide this side of myself more than I used to. Once upon a time many years ago I would flaunt my craziness. I wore a big diamond crazy tiara and paraded around town with my cart full of sad, sad stories of lost love and child abuse. I pushed many a shopping cart full of woe is me tales and detritus I picked up from every slight. I was a connoisseur of beaten down inner child, nobody loves me, my mother is a witch stories.

So I’m going along my orderly row of sanity. Pulling a weed of anxiety here, knocking some guilt off of the leaves there. I pour a little water on thirsty thoughts and dreams of creating lovely things. And then I fall in love. And my beloved, we’ll he’s kinda, well, he’s a nutter.

A lovable nutter to be certain. Full of love and passion and a hefty dose of himself. Never had kids. This makes for an interesting interaction when he’s particularly nuts. It’s painful, honestly, because I can’t help him peek out over the edge of the hole he’s in. And I’ve been down in that hole peeping out and I know it hurts. I PRETEND like I’m sane enough that I actually believe it. I pass for sane. I try to be a good support system, but sometimes the noises in the dark scary place are for me, not just for him.

Stay tuned

I can’t say it enough. My children saved my life. Not any plainer I can put it than that. They saved me from myself and I’ll always be grateful to them. I was feeling a little low last night. They were so wonderful and supportive of me. We got to hang out until the house cooled down and the air conditioner could be turned off because it was cooler outside than in. I just like hanging out with them.

And they are so beautiful.

Life is still good, but somebody has been using my credit card number for purchases that I didn’t make. I think this happened at Costco, but I can’t prove it. To make a short story long, I called Overstock.com to have the charges reversed (over 400.00) and then called American Express to begin a fraud claim and have my card re-issued.

It’s a good thing that I am usually cautious about my credit purchases and that I track my purchases and bank accounts online. It might have been weeks and lots of other purchases otherwise.

I don’t understand the people who pull this shit. Where do they think they get off doing this. No one is going to use my hard earned credit without my permission. Well actually they did and do.

I’m not letting my credit card out of my sight again. Even when I pay for gas at Costco. I’m going to get out of the car and swipe it myself.

Sucks. A lot.

I can’t help but say it. Life is good. I got to do some massaging and some knitting and some cleaning and some cooking and some organizing. All of these things are things I loooooove to do. I got to eat the yummy stuff I made, got myself a bunch of CEUs so I can re-license as a therapist, got a good start on the second sock AND organized myself down to my last moving box. My mortgage papers all have a place to live and so do my knitting, weaving and spinning magazines.

I’m about where I was before the Wal-Mart debacle. Time on my hands and looking to fill it. I’m going to stray from the path this time and head back into what I love instead of searching out something new (like belly dancing). I’m going to crack open those water color pencils and paper and draw me some stuff. Knit till I don’t want to knit anymore. Maybe get the old spinning wheel out. In a word or two – Indulge myself.

Next stop is the recipe storage. I just want to go one place to grab them, and I aim high to make myself one.

Payday too. I will be attending a Myofascial Release Basics class on Saturday, all day. That will allow me to renew my Massage License for two more years. I have to start plotting my next course to take.

Things have been lovely at home. Everyone settled in. I was able to make a simple dinner, clean up, water the yard and knit. Since progeny #1 can drive I have all this time to get “the other stuff” done at night. Checkbook balancing, cooking, laundry. For the first time in months it doesn’t feel rushed. I have helpers to walk the dog and wash the bird cage. I could get used to this.

Finished the last of the Efudex on my chest Wednesday night. Technically I think I should have applied twice on Thursday but I just decided I’d had enough. The spot on my eye peeled off and I’m still peeling. The rest of my skin is – dare I say it – wonderful. I look my age but I don’t look old. While my face still sags a slight bit – and I’m OK with that – I no longer have crosshatched crows feet extending out from my eyes onto the tops of my cheeks. My face has lines but the skin is tight. Like I’d slept well for the last 15 years. It doesn’t have a pulled tight quality as much as it has a filled in quality when compared to before. The color is rosy, not sallow, and the brown spots have faded in most places to nothing. The redness from the Efudex is almost gone. It’s truly a miracle.

I also finished my sock. It’s lovely.