I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. I’m almost hoping that it will never be read by anyone else but me. I’m weeks away from my 50th birthday with two teenage kids. I have a job I really hate. Can this get any more depressing? I just had Mohs microsurgery on my face for a small skin cancer which left an unexpected and much hated scar.

I’m not having a midlife crisis of the traditional sort. I’m not going to buy a fast, red sports car. I have a relationship with a man I appreciate and admire, so no affairs with younger men. It’s more of a crisis of loss, then actively attempting to acquire something to make myself feel better. I’m wondering if anyone else out there can relate.

My sense of purpose has been wrapped up in my kids, but now one is preparing to drive and sooner rather than later they will both fly away. So what do I want to do with the rest of my life? I’m pretty sure it’s not sitting in an office and retiring with a gold watch. I don’t know anyone who does that anymore.

I also don’t want to become one of the grey, fuzzy haired invisibles. She of the elastic waisted pants and comfy shoes. I see them at the grocery store and in the mall. Completely dismissable. How do I maintain feeling good inside when the outsides don’t feel all that good anymore? I have 20 more years of working and making a living. Will anyone hire me? I don’t want to be sucked, tucked, botoxed and tanned within an inch of my life either. There has to be some middle path for us genetically ungifted folks without personal trainers or loads of bucks to spend on youth potions. Or, am I missing the point while looking for it? Maybe there isn’t anywhere I have to go, because I’m already there.

So that’s where I begin….. Off to find my sense of purpose – post kids.

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